The Golden Llamas

With the BAFTA nominations announced yesterday I thought I’d have my own awards show! It’s time for *drum roll* THE GOLDEN LLAMAS


It’s just a bit of fun but it’s always nice to throw my hat into the ring. I hope you all apreciate how much I’m conceding to movies I didn’t like like The Hateful Eight that they had good bits in them that they’re nominated for. Here’s how it works, you can only get one if you were released theatrically for the first time in 2016, and I also have to have seen you, (you think that’d be superfluous but here we are, you’d be surprised). Here we go-

Best Costume Design


Chantel Filson – Bone Tomahawk

Odile Dicks-Mireaux – High-Rise

Mary Zophres – Hail, Ceasar!

Linda Muir – The Witch

Kym Barrett – The Nice Guys

Erin Benach – The Neon Demon

And the winner is…


*Immitates Monty Python* The Witch!!!! The costumes are so good, everything about this movie is so well done and so well researched it’s lush. Go watch it.

Best Visual Effects

A whole load of people do this so I’ll just list the movies, (if you see that for any other catagory that’s why).



Doctor Strange

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

The Jungle Book

And the winner is…


Arrival for it’s seamless and mind bending spaceships

Best Sound

I’m no good at telling the difference if good sound is down to design or mixing so we’re smashing the catagory together here


10 Cloverfield Lane

The Revenant


Green Room

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

I Am Not A Serial Killer

And the winner is…


Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them! I mean they have to do all those cute animal noises. I mean like that little echidna magpie thing. That’s a cute thing.

Best Original Music


Ennio Morricone – The Hateful Eight

Mark Korven – The Witch

Cliff Martinez – The Neon Demon

Jóhann Jóhannsson – Arrival

Radwimps – Your Name

And the winner is…


The Neon Demon. Is Nic Winding Refn films all this guy does? If so he’s really, really good at it. When this film came out all everyone talked about was the damn score and damn right because it’s lovely. I was tempted to give it to The Witch because holy shit that score is terrifying, but no, it’s The Neon Demon.

Best Film Editing


Joe Walker – Arrival

Gardner Gould – Don’t Breathe

Joan Sobel – Nocturnal Animals

Spencer Averick – 13th

And the winner is…


Honest to god Don’t Breathe should win for that scene in the car with the dog alone. A lot of people had a lot of fun editing Amy Adam’s face but this film takes the biscuit for me.

Best Production Design


Craig Lathrop – The Witch

Jack Fisk – The Revenant

Jess Gonchor – Hail, Ceasar!

Shane Valentino – Nocturnal Animals

Freddy Waff – Bone Tomahawk

And the winner is…

The Witch again!! He spent 4 years researching this film so of course he gets the look and period detail on point just saying.

Best Make-Up and Hair


Nocturnal Animals

Bone Tomahawk

I Am Not A Serial Killer

Star Trek Beyond

The Neon Demon

Green Room

And the winner is…


Star Trek Beyond! They could easily have turned to CGI characters to realise Justin Lin’s vision but no they didn’t and it pays off hugely. All the characters that are just caked in make-up look superb and real and physical and seamless.

Best Cinematography


Natasha Braier – The Neon Demon

Emmanuel Lubezki – The Revenant

Jarin Blaschke – The Witch

Sean Porter – Green Room

Pedro Luque – Don’t Breathe

Robbie Ryan – I Am Not A Serial Killer

And the winner is…

Don’t Breathe again for it’s cinematography that’s stylish but also does what cinematography is meant to do, tell the story really, really well.

Best Foreign Language Picture


Your Name

Train To Busam

And the winner is…


Your Name! Just in case you think those are all the foreign language films I saw this year, wrong mate, I also saw Things To Come and Under The Shadow, both of which everyone’s raving about but I was luke warm on.

Best Animated Picture


Your Name


Finding Dory

And the winner is…

Also Your Name. It’s really fucking good!

Best Director


Nicolas Winding Refn – The Neon Demon

Makoto Shinkai – Your Name

Dan Trachtenberg – 10 Cloverfield Lane

Fede Álvarez – Don’t Breathe

Jeremy Saulnier – Green Room

Robert Eggers – The Witch

Denis Villeneuve – Arrival

Billy O’Brien – I Am Not A Serial Killer

Tom McCarthey – Spotlight

And the winner is…

I’m sorry, call me predictable, but it’s The Witch, well done Robbert Eggars your film has won a lot of imaginary statuettes.

Best Adapted Screenplay


Eric Heisserer – Arrival

Tom Ford – Nocturnal Animals

Amy Jump – High-Rise

Charles Randolph, Adam McKay -The Big Short

Billy O’Brien, Christopher Hyde – I Am Not A Serial Killer

And the winner is…

Arrival! This film is great and the screenplay is a wonderful work of story telling anyway, not least as it’s adapted from quite a dense short story, Story of Your Life by Ted Chaing.

Best Original Screenplay


Robert Eggers – The Witch

Shane Black, Anthony Bagarozzi – The Nice Guys

Makoto Shinkai – Your Name

Joel Coen, Ethan Coen – Hail, Ceasar!

Jamie Adams – Black Mountain Poets

Nicolas Winding Refn, Mary Laws, Polly Stenham – The Neon Demon

And the winner is…


Hail, Ceasar! I know it might be up myself to give an award to the Coen brothers but like I’m not the only one hm k?

Best Supporting Actor


Ralph Ineson – The Witch

Luke Evans – High-Rise

Ryan Gosling – The Nice Guys

Stephen Lang – Don’t Breathe

Patrick Stewart – Green Room

Michael Shannon – Nocturnal Animals

Christopher Lloyd – I Am Not A Serial Killer

And the winner is…


I Am Not A Serial Killer! Yeah that’s right I’m giving Doc Brown an award fuck off.

Best Supporting Actress


Alice Lowe – Black Mountain Poets

Jena Malone – The Neon Demon

Rachel McAdams – Spotlight

Kate Dickie – The Witch

And the winner is…


Jena Malone is quickly becoming one of my favourite actresses working at the moment with superb turns in Inherant Vice, Nocturnal Animals, and The Neon Demon. A superb villainess.

Best Lead Actor


Ryan Reynolds – Deadpool

John Goodman – 10 Cloverfield Lane

Tom Hiddlestone – High-Rise

Anton Yelchin – Green Room

Max Records – I Am Not A Serial Killer

Jake Gyllenhaal – Nocturnal Animals

And the winner is…


This isn’t the only thing Jake Gyllenhaal has won, he’s clearly won the gene competition, I mean look at him, Christ. He’s also a fantastic actor who should have won for Nightcrawler, the bastards at the Oscars.

Best Lead Actress


Hayley Squires – I, Daniel Blake

Anya Taylor-Joy – The Witch

Dolly Wells – Black Mountain Poets

Elle Fanning – The Neon Demon

Amy Adams – Arrival, Nocturnal Animals

And the winner is…


Seriously, Anya Taylor-Joy has given a truly extraordinary performacnce in this absolutely bonkers movie that relies on her ability to balance a lot at once. It is, quite incredible.

Man & Woman of the Year

Robert Eggars and Amy Adams are my men and woman of the year respectively. Adams has appeared in two of the most exciting movies by two of the most promising auters working at the moment in Arrival and Nocturnal Animals. Eggars on the other hand is one of the most exciting auters operating at the moment. He’s a tad pretentious sometimes, but well, he made The Witch and it’s his first movie. I can only wait to see what he’s like when he’s at the top of his game.

Best Picture of 2016


Your Name

The Witch

Don’t Breathe


I Am Not A Serial Killer

And the winner is…

The Witch! Look I’m sorry it’s just really fucking good okay?!

Love you babes see you next year x


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